- CRIMINAL: You can't arrest me if you can't see me. BABY COP: God damn, I wish I understood the concept of object permanence.
- The front desk lady at this remote motel is barely concealing her howling desire to graphically murder me. I'll be honest, it's refreshing.
- *tries several times to connect to the internet using a dial-up modem* *reaches #1 on the dubstep charts*
- I support keeping the US minimum wage at $7.25hr - but only for Congress, because they already live off their tips.
[wife sees derek jeter crying and slamming bedroom door]
"what's wrong with derek jeter?"
"she's still upset we named her after derek jeter."
- Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
- Danke for calling Germany. To order beer, press 1. To order weapons, press 2. To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
- TRAVEL TIP: You can totally tell who the coolest people are on an airplane by how quick they get after up after the landing.
- Amazing that the only thing standing between this person from high school and financial success is me liking their business' Facebook page
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