Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Would a 'Planet of the Apes' eventually just evolve back into a 'Planet of the Humans'?


  • I guess we'll know ISIS militants have reached America when we start noticing them in the background of our selfies.
  • The opposite of doing ecstasy is hearing a band say, "This next one's off the new album".
  • who do you think sex likes hanging out with more? drugs and rock and roll? or lies and videotape?
  • A year's supply of calendars is one calendar.
  • If a boy scout becomes a UPS driver he gets to wear the same shorts his entire life.
  • After an actor smokes pot, he becomes a mellow dramatic
  • I was trained to be a passenger in an MRAP for a mission that never materialized, but in the process I learned where the built-in handholds are for those frequent occasions when the top-heavy MRAP rolls down a mountainside.
  • I uninstalled Facebook and now I have no idea how much my brother-in-law hates Obama :(
  • I'm healthy for an Oompa Loompa
  • "Bet you can't eat just one!", they said. "You're right," I showed.
  • Today in 1963, Sir Mix-a-Lot was born. FACT: In college, he experimented with medium-sized butts, but he didn't inhale.
  • Sometimes I forget which longtime friends hate each other now. Makes it super awkward at my orgies.
  • Don't these other cars know that I'm running late to court?!
  • Thanks to my dog, I remain squirrel-free for over 5 years :)












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