Cops love speeding on the freeway late at night. Go on and do it with them. They won't mind.

• It would never work out between us: I'm a Sagittarius and she keeps bananas in the fridge.
• "The Hundred Foot Journey" would be a great title for a movie where Helen Mirren plays a centipede on vacation.
• It doesn't matter what quote from twitter you use in your movie ad, all I read is "This movie is so bad, we had to use quotes from twitter."
• I hate when people assume I'm trying to kill them just because I'm firing a machine gun at them.
• i try not to gripe about social issues on here but i'm sick of wealthy businessmen hunting me for sport
• Darth Maul is half the man he used to be.
• "I've come a long way." - a squirter
• "YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER" - salt
• It's always awkward when you sneeze in a room full of strangers. Especially if it makes them realize someone is hiding in their closet.
• I wonder if the guy who invented the drawing board got it right first time?
• Centaurs always have ripped abs in movies. How the heck do they do sit-ups?
• Popeye the Sailor Man makes so much more sense when you substitute alcohol for spinach.