Saturday, July 26, 2014

When life gives you gators, make gatorade.


  • Something I think the thing only children miss out on is a chance to systematically eliminate siblings in order to gain control of the family fortune.
  • Marketing tip: Add green tea extract to any product and white people will buy it.
  • If my dog had the ability to speak, it could ruin me personally and professionally.
  • Stop giving your kids stupid names and we'll stop saying them wrong
  • Always wear your drugs when doing shoes
  • Him: hey Me: HI HERE ARE ALL MY FEELINGS
  • welcome to divorced dad bed and breakfast. I hope your futon was comfortable. this morning we're serving Triscuits with room temp nacho cheese
  • Remember when you were young and everything was new and you were filled with optimism and hope? Anyway here's a new thing to buy from Apple.
  • Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
  • I'm aware I'm hungover and four hours late, but your job posting clearly said you wanted a rockstar.
  • Hate to break it to you LinkedIn, but no one celebrates their "Work Anniversary."









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