I want my gravestone to just say "tl;dr."

• A survey says parents spend $1k on their children's electronics yearly. When WE were young we walked 5 miles uphill in the snow w/ NO APPS!
• Went to my uncle's funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
• If there's someone in the aisle of something I need at the grocery store I don't need it anymore.
• If all religions advocate peace, then why aren't their extremists extremely peaceful?
• What's the recommended age to teach your child that Google has every answer to their homework?
• I like big NUTS n my pecan pie u other bakers cant deny When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin It gets FLUNG
• "Susan, it's over. Over." --guy breaking up over walkie-talkie
• why dip chips in salsa when you can just pour it all in the bag? work smarter,not harder
• Doomsday tip: Stock up on barbecue sauce, you'll be eating mostly charred bodies.
• The Sarah Palin Channel has launched! It's for people who feel an intellectual void because there's no Snooki Network.
• John McCain must roll over in his grave whenever Sarah Palin makes the news. (I assume he sleeps in a grave.)
• Jenny McCarthy is endorsing ecigarettes in case anyone thought they could possibly be good for you.
• If someone 50 years ago were told that there would one day only be eight planets, they would think something incredibly exciting happened.
• "people you may know" more like "people you are not already friends with for a reason"
• Left a box of parrots next to the police station and now they're all under arrest for impersonating officers. My work here is done.