This guy sold me a fridge but it was broken. Not cool.

The 2016 Republican National Convention will be in Cleveland, Ohio. So congratulations on making it through the world's most boring sentence. --Damien Fahey

• Caught myself talking to the Roomba again while fast forwarding through commercials. --Kay Dee Enn

Hold on a second hot girls, now because of twitter you WANT me to follow you?? What happened to all that "restraining order" talk? --Alex Hooper

• Sherri Shepard says the Bible told her it was time to leave The View. Yeah, the verse was Numbers 18-49. --David Angelo

The word 'ashtray' is pig Latin for trash. --we_are_babcock

• Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.