Catch and release fishing is like alien abduction for the fish

This morning at Congress HQ:

• I'll say anti-poor, you say irresponsible; you say unimaginative, OK. You other 41 create general uproar. 

• Of course he likes you. Maybe even as much as the other girls he's texting. 

I'm just going to name my startup "AbandonedWebPage.com" and skip to the end.

• [on sidewalk with clipboard] excuse me do you have a moment to talk about this drawing of Arabian horses on a sand dune that I did? 

[on first date]

(ok keith, don't let her know about your OCD, just be cool)

 "Can i get you guys anything?"

 NINETY EIGHT NAPKINS

• Bad news vegans, researchers now say that plants can "hear" themselves being eaten. PS researchers plz don't test pizza, it's all we've got. 

 If you have to convert others to your religion in order to go to heaven, it is a pyramid scheme.

•  Opie & Anthony fans sure have a way with three or four words.