And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, "Oh man, you're not gonna believe this."

I got that summertimesummertime Netflix.

• "Hitler was a twisted individual." - my dad

My god... The booty call is coming from INSIDE THE BOOTY!

• I wish Mondays were like Alderaan and they didn't exist.

a seemingly perfect utopia immediately becomes a dystopia when u find out everyone refers to each other by whatever their first email address was

• Sorry your boyfriend can grow a perfectly good beard but chooses to have a goatee.

I would rather wander around a store for 9 hours than ask an employee where something is and this I do not understand.

• Maybe this is a tennis match or maybe it's miniature people playing on a giant pingpong table. There's no way to tell. --Michelle Wolf

After 35 yrs Pink Floyd releases new album. It's a sequel to The Wall wherein the band now completely & utterly identifies with the teachers --Matthew O'Brien

• I get so livid when I find a typo in an otherwise brilliant tweef.  --Alex Hooper

"I'm not here to make friends." —me on a reality show or literally anywhere else --Ken Jennings

• And on the 8th day, He said "Oh I'll make carbs delicious AND fattening LOL!"