Sometimes, I feel like the only french fry in a box of onion rings

• if your kid isn't a YouTube celebrity by age 13 they are a failure
• A gentle reminder that there are really only two problems with the world today: the world and today. Three, if you count tomorrow
• Alcohol+eBay = Surprise presents from yourself
• Cutting out gluten is a great way to lose weight and friends
• do you ever just like flex your foot wrong and it cramps and you're just like, 'this is it, this is how it ends.'
• Men at Work was not a great band but they were way better than Men Talking About Work.
• My superhero theme music is the sound of a can of Pringles opening.
• If I had a llama, I'd name it Dolly. Dolly Llama. Oh, the fun we'd have.
• "Sure, if you think so. I know nothing about cars." -Me to the Jiffy Lube employee as he suggests killing my family
• Since you can't ask a genie for more wishes, why don't you just ask for more genies?
• I've just been arrested by the grammar police. They're currently deliberating the length of my sentence.
• God: Don't eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead[20 min later]Adam: Sooo hungry Eve: Me too Adam: That apple looks good