OK bowels, you know what to do. The rest of me has the kindle and is opening Funy Pictures.

The beauty of twitter is how a few words from someone you don't really know can make a lot more sense than someone you actually know.

"What is this? What's happening? - me, all the time

What do you call the opposite of an aphrodisiac? Anyways, that's what it's like to watch someone do improv.

I have 3 moods: *skip every song on my playlist, *let the music play without interruption, *play the same song on repeat for days .

• Well if no one else is going to solve this thing, I guess it's up to me to go to Israel & play everyone ˝People Are People˝ by Depeche Mode

Is there anything less useful to the world than an extended friendly counter chat between a Starbucks employee and customer? 

• She's a ruthlessly efficient trial lawyer who can't overcome her debilitating narcolepsy. THE DEFENSE RESTS, only on FOX. 

If I were a superhero, the villain would be those tricky tabs that are supposed to reseal cereal boxes.

• The security guy at the airport said to make sure all our "electronical devices" are turned on. He's like a 1940s man describing the future. 

˝Look, it would be rude for me to just tell you which Pope I prefer, but you know that soccer tournament you have every four years...˝ -God