Why do good genes happen to bad people?

• As an energetic atheist, every morning I have to take a Militant Atheist Complex, then I down an Evangelical Atheist Smoothie.
• I exercise my privilege by getting upset about the plight of the African elephant over a $5 latte in the middle of the afternoon.
• Someone asked me why I'm so stubborn. I said, "I'm not going to answer that."
• Tonight at the All-Star game, take a shot every time a hitter adjusts his batting gloves #alcoholpoisoning
• The customer service rep. I spoke to from my credit card company put so much smile in his voice that he left a layer of slime on my phone.
• How can they call it an All-Star Game when red giants, white dwarves and neutrons are not allowed to play?
• When a Buzzfeed writer dies he's forced to click on a "You won't believe what happens next" thumbnail of himself. Then he goes to Hell.
• The closest relationship I ever had was when I accidentally went in the same revolving door space as some stranger.
• If The View replaced its hosts with noisy hens, it would take at least a week before anyone noticed.
• The inventor of the boomerang probably loved to play frisbee but didn't have any friends.