I have houseplants instead of cats instead of children instead of friends instead of a therapist

Weird, the can of tuna I'm eating promises to "keep my coat glossy"

If another adult tries to spell a word so the kids won't understand, I'm out after five letters.

I was up early for a thing. I'm now back and full of breakfast so going back to bed. Hello Saturday.

If you tell me to make myself at home, don't be surprised when I take off my clothes and drink all of your beer.

Nice. Obama had NSA flash GOOD LUCK on Merkel's phone.

Ugh, people with lots of hotel reward program points, get a room.

Had a plain cake doughnut earlier because I'm sort of a health nut.

"And the 2016 poet laureate is... a teenager who photoshopped a few vaguely wistful sayings onto sepia tinted nature photos!"