Happy Birthday Harrison Ford, I hope you aren't celebrating Solo

Sometimes in life someone gets drunk and a bunch of metal ends up in the lake, you just have to accept it and move on

Never trust someone with a blue lightsaber. --Darth Vader @DepressedDarth

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it's the right brand so it doesn't get the hose again.

Sorry, "hella" was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I'll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

funny how people who earn philosophy degrees probably at some point ask themselves "why did i do this"

Sometimes, late at night, I stare out the window at the stars and think about all the airlines that have wronged me...

Can a ghost and zombie come from the same person?

Companies that sell sod have permanent yard sales.