Translated

Magnifico oh oh

If Cinderella would have taken off all her clothes by midnight, she could have stayed with the prince.

If Ina Garten married Danny Devito she would be Ina Garten Devito.

BREAKING: "Monday Night Football" Changing Name to "Scared Straight"

The game Guitar Hero inspired my friend to learn guitar. Next, they should make a video game about talking to your kids.

A gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a menopause of stewardesses.

Heat index of 110. There are so many shirtless dudes in L.A. right now it's impossible to tell who's in the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I'm no fashion expert, Ms Ground Zero protestor, but your 'never forgive' sign clashes with that crucifix you're wearing.

Shot out of bed last night in an icy cold sweat with the sudden realization that Gnip Gnop was just ping ping backwards.

Turkey Burgers: creating quiet disappointment since 1997.

"And for those intolerable downtimes scanning your eyes from your iPhone to iWatch, it's the all-new iForearm!" #AppleLive

A new survey says only 36 percent of Americans can name the three branches of government, so shame on you Education Branch!

my book club evolved into a fight club so gradually I almost didn't notice

*Financial Status*: Just rinsed off a paper plate.

it's just so crazy to think that kids born in 14 will be turning 2000 this year

"My fellow Americans, I have authorized action to degrade and destroy Adobe's ability to push updates to devices." [Cheering in streets]

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I'm the jerk

• CRIMINAL: You can't arrest me if you can't see me. BABY COP: God damn, I wish I understood the concept of object permanence.
• The front desk lady at this remote motel is barely concealing her howling desire to graphically murder me. I'll be honest, it's refreshing.
• *tries several times to connect to the internet using a dial-up modem* *reaches #1 on the dubstep charts*
• I support keeping the US minimum wage at $7.25hr - but only for Congress, because they already live off their tips.

[wife sees derek jeter crying and slamming bedroom door]
"what's wrong with derek jeter?"
"she's still upset we named her after derek jeter."

• Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
• Danke for calling Germany. To order beer, press 1. To order weapons, press 2. To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
• TRAVEL TIP: You can totally tell who the coolest people are on an airplane by how quick they get after up after the landing.
• Amazing that the only thing standing between this person from high school and financial success is me liking their business' Facebook page

Fix a man's computer, and he'll come back to you for a lifetime. Teach a man how to fix his computer, and he'll remember it for a day.

• I've turned down several activities today because I said I was, "Competing in a marathon." Haven't mentioned it's The Simpsons one on FXX.
• What if we enjoy watching people get kicked in the nuts and find it funny because it can eliminate evolutionary competitors from having kids.
• If you eat chilled meat and beans with jalapeños in Santiago during winter, than you're eating chilly chili in Chile with chilies when it's chilly.
• If you think nobody in the world cares about you, try missing a payment.
• The greatest distance in the Universe is the one between how people think they look in a Hummer limo, and how they actually look.
• the New York Times: sure Wilson killed a guy, but Brown listened to rap music
• Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.
• Congrats to "Monster Mash" on winning the VMA for "Best Halloween Song" for the 52nd consecutive year

Babies only want to play with a toy another baby is already playing with. My point is we are never getting peace in the Middle East.

• Pitching a sitcom about Lipton, Tetley, Tazo, Nestea, Bigelow, PG Tips and Celestial Seasonings. It's called 'That Seven Teas Show'.
• A strongly worded letter of protest to Darius Rucker's mother for not naming him Fudd.
• There’s nothing more satisfying than the judging exactly the right size of tupperware for your leftovers
• Brawny paper towels have a picture of a lumberjack on the package - that's a picture of a murderer right on the casket of his victim.
• Does "fear of commitment" count towards a handicap parking space?
• MY WEDDING: tetris theme plays as i slowly inch down the aisle, trying to perfectly fit my finger in the ring
• I went to a friend's funeral yesterday, he died after he was hit in the head by a tennis ball. It really was a lovely service.
• Southwest Airlines: The Hunger Games of the skies!

Having a white power ranger probably wasn't the greatest idea

• mcdonalds lacks the courage to use their pink gel fake nugget technology to make a twenty pound nugget in a cube shape
• I just took the lukewarm cup of water challenge to raise awareness for bedwetters.
• If I were a sex therapist I'd be like just shove it in there
• Hypochondria is the one condition that a hypochondriac will never think they have
• A group of squid should be called a squad
• If I had a voodoo doll of myself, I'd never have to be embarrassed about scratching my balls in public.
• I guess the moral of Willy Wonka is that 4/5 children are obnoxious and should just die.
• Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."
• If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
• I have two email response speeds: "immediately" and "permanent damage to our relationship"
• FACT: If you're a character on a TV show in 2014, you're required to still have an answering machine that plays your messages out loud.
• idea: an all-cat boy band called N*Sleep
• I'm writing a film about the 1 person who deletes a facebook profile w/out making a public announcement or writing a blog about it.
• Be sure and screw your Preconceived Narrative Browser down onto every set of distressing facts before shouting about them.

A plastic dinosaur is a dinosaur made of dead dinosaurs

• wow, Helen! that blouse really brings out the color in your dead tooth
• Is it possible to list beer as an emergency contact?
• it's too bad some of y'all can't turn your twitter sanctimony into twitter sanctimoney
• TIL sanctimony n. = Feigned piety or righteousness; hypocritical devoutness or high-mindedness
• TIL = today I learned
• If you break a small drill bit, you're left with a little bit of a little bit
• Feeling like you're inadequate compared to someone else is like comparing their highlight reel to your behind-the-scenes footage.
• Most zombies wouldn't be wearing pants. Think about how many times a day you have to pull up your pants, even with well fitting jeans and a belt. Zombies lose tons of weight and don't seem to have any concern with their clothes. Not once have I seen a zombie pull up his pants or adjust a belt. In fact, there would be millions of zombies just laying on the ground kicking their legs in the air because their trousers are stuck around their ankles.
• Today in 1848, the Oregon Territory was established. Soon, thousands of bearded hackey-sack players made the trek west on their unicycles.
• "We need to stand up for change." --written on Facebook from someone sitting in an ergonomic office chair before a lunch break.
• For Your Emmy Consideration: older white women asking earnestly after the personal lives of their manicurists.
• Superman to a waiter: "Um, is there kryptonite in this?"
• I'm tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul. I'm going to hire Jeff to rob them both, then, rob Jeff.
• Technically we're all half centaur.
• Mountain Dew and Sierra Mist are synonyms
• Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine.
• "Let's think about every single thing you've ever done wrong" - my brain at 2am
• That thing on TV where the dad is wrong and the kids were right all along has never happened in my house.
• Finally got studio notes on my new movie "Just Go To Bed, Fatty", which will now be called "Nocturnal Omnivore: Night Feeder"

Oh cool, I've been selected to reject taking a quick survey.

• CNN: We know little about Robin Williams' death and won't mindlessly speculate. Here are literally 37 people we pay to mindlessly speculate.
• If no one can lift Thor's hammer, can you lift Thor, while he is holding his hammer?
• If I died and went to hell, it would take me a while to figure out I wasn't at work.
• Curiosity Rover is our stoner friend texting us pictures of cool rocks he found.
• "Righty tighty, lefty loosey" works for both unscrewing things and political parties.
• When my electronics get too hot, they freeze
• Home is where you take your bra off
• never feel bad for getting excited over small things. good hair day? brag about it. two sodas from the vending machine? throw a party.
• I'd like to think nothing good ever comes of violence, but I was a kid once. I went to a party with a piñata. I know better.
• The only things me and my parents have in common: a love of donuts! #parentsjustdonutunderstand
• I have worked at a lot of start-up companies and the most popular buzzwords by far are self-deprecating jokes about using buzzwords.
• Most of being an adult is just finding the nearest source of caffeine.

Would a 'Planet of the Apes' eventually just evolve back into a 'Planet of the Humans'?

• I guess we'll know ISIS militants have reached America when we start noticing them in the background of our selfies.
• The opposite of doing ecstasy is hearing a band say, "This next one's off the new album".
• who do you think sex likes hanging out with more? drugs and rock and roll? or lies and videotape?
• A year's supply of calendars is one calendar.
• If a boy scout becomes a UPS driver he gets to wear the same shorts his entire life.
• After an actor smokes pot, he becomes a mellow dramatic
• I was trained to be a passenger in an MRAP for a mission that never materialized, but in the process I learned where the built-in handholds are for those frequent occasions when the top-heavy MRAP rolls down a mountainside.
• I uninstalled Facebook and now I have no idea how much my brother-in-law hates Obama :(
• I'm healthy for an Oompa Loompa
• "Bet you can't eat just one!", they said. "You're right," I showed.
• Today in 1963, Sir Mix-a-Lot was born. FACT: In college, he experimented with medium-sized butts, but he didn't inhale.
• Sometimes I forget which longtime friends hate each other now. Makes it super awkward at my orgies.
• Don't these other cars know that I'm running late to court?!
• Thanks to my dog, I remain squirrel-free for over 5 years :)

I wonder if there's a pizza restaurant in New Orleans called House of The Rising Crust

• If by "people skills" you mean doing everything possible to avoid people then I have really good people skills.
• University pronounced backwards sounds like "it is revenue"
• Anyone else find the #teenchoiceawards to be awkward during the moment of silence for the loss of the expanded Star Wars universe?
• They say the way to a man's esophagus is through his mouth.
• Does a Native American zombie eat only the brains or does he use every part of the human
• My girlfriend doesn't want to go to dinner because she's "not my girlfriend" and we "are just on the same line at Target, leave me alone"
• Everyone's vacation pictures on Facebook are dumb but mine are both relevant and entertaining.
• WARNING: This is Shark Week. Do NOT open your door if someone knocks and says "Candygram." #sharkweek
• Million dollar idea: A t-shirt cannon that fires heavy iron balls
• Foxnews is the Old Glory Robot Insurance of networks
• Tom Petty scored his first #1 album ever. Proving if you keep at it, eventually your fans will be the only ones left still buying CDs.
• I just hit my head on a kitchen cabinet so hard a sports bar full of guys in Minnesota went ˝OOOH!!!˝
• The company I work for is currently restructuring itself into a different type of soul-prison.
• Everyone calm down. We're probably only a few more COEXIST bumper stickers away from ending this Israeli Palestinian mess.
• There are men at Gitmo who look less broken than this guy holding his wife's purse outside Lane Bryant.

Cops love speeding on the freeway late at night. Go on and do it with them. They won't mind.

• It would never work out between us: I'm a Sagittarius and she keeps bananas in the fridge.
• "The Hundred Foot Journey" would be a great title for a movie where Helen Mirren plays a centipede on vacation.
• It doesn't matter what quote from twitter you use in your movie ad, all I read is "This movie is so bad, we had to use quotes from twitter."
• I hate when people assume I'm trying to kill them just because I'm firing a machine gun at them.
• i try not to gripe about social issues on here but i'm sick of wealthy businessmen hunting me for sport
• Darth Maul is half the man he used to be.
• "I've come a long way." - a squirter
• "YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER" - salt
• It's always awkward when you sneeze in a room full of strangers. Especially if it makes them realize someone is hiding in their closet.
• I wonder if the guy who invented the drawing board got it right first time?
• Centaurs always have ripped abs in movies. How the heck do they do sit-ups?
• Popeye the Sailor Man makes so much more sense when you substitute alcohol for spinach.