A plastic dinosaur is a dinosaur made of dead dinosaurs

• wow, Helen! that blouse really brings out the color in your dead tooth
• Is it possible to list beer as an emergency contact?
• it's too bad some of y'all can't turn your twitter sanctimony into twitter sanctimoney
• TIL sanctimony n. = Feigned piety or righteousness; hypocritical devoutness or high-mindedness
• TIL = today I learned
• If you break a small drill bit, you're left with a little bit of a little bit
• Feeling like you're inadequate compared to someone else is like comparing their highlight reel to your behind-the-scenes footage.
• Most zombies wouldn't be wearing pants. Think about how many times a day you have to pull up your pants, even with well fitting jeans and a belt. Zombies lose tons of weight and don't seem to have any concern with their clothes. Not once have I seen a zombie pull up his pants or adjust a belt. In fact, there would be millions of zombies just laying on the ground kicking their legs in the air because their trousers are stuck around their ankles.
• Today in 1848, the Oregon Territory was established. Soon, thousands of bearded hackey-sack players made the trek west on their unicycles.
• "We need to stand up for change." --written on Facebook from someone sitting in an ergonomic office chair before a lunch break.
• For Your Emmy Consideration: older white women asking earnestly after the personal lives of their manicurists.
• Superman to a waiter: "Um, is there kryptonite in this?"
• I'm tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul. I'm going to hire Jeff to rob them both, then, rob Jeff.
• Technically we're all half centaur.
• Mountain Dew and Sierra Mist are synonyms
• Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine.
• "Let's think about every single thing you've ever done wrong" - my brain at 2am
• That thing on TV where the dad is wrong and the kids were right all along has never happened in my house.
• Finally got studio notes on my new movie "Just Go To Bed, Fatty", which will now be called "Nocturnal Omnivore: Night Feeder"