Having a white power ranger probably wasn't the greatest idea

• mcdonalds lacks the courage to use their pink gel fake nugget technology to make a twenty pound nugget in a cube shape
• I just took the lukewarm cup of water challenge to raise awareness for bedwetters.
• If I were a sex therapist I'd be like just shove it in there
• Hypochondria is the one condition that a hypochondriac will never think they have
• A group of squid should be called a squad
• If I had a voodoo doll of myself, I'd never have to be embarrassed about scratching my balls in public.
• I guess the moral of Willy Wonka is that 4/5 children are obnoxious and should just die.
• Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."
• If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
• I have two email response speeds: "immediately" and "permanent damage to our relationship"
• FACT: If you're a character on a TV show in 2014, you're required to still have an answering machine that plays your messages out loud.
• idea: an all-cat boy band called N*Sleep
• I'm writing a film about the 1 person who deletes a facebook profile w/out making a public announcement or writing a blog about it.
• Be sure and screw your Preconceived Narrative Browser down onto every set of distressing facts before shouting about them.