If at first you don't succeed, have a burrito bowl, take a nap, and try again.

• My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I told him the truth. Their kids brought home bad school report cards.
• Wolf Blitzer is scrambling to reassemble the mock cockpit at CNN HQ, but is having trouble with the ikea instructions. Stand by.
• I like that Saturday Night Live is also now a Hunger Games for new cast members.
• I go to USA Today when I want to read the news “Kid’s Menu Style.”
• Why didn't Scooby Doo and the gang ever just sit outside the mask store and see who went in?
• LIFE HACK: Be a corporation.
• If somebody published a LGBT magazine called "Bi Weekly", would it have to come out every 3.5, every 7, or every 14 days?
• "Suffixless" is a one word paradox.
• If I'm really bad at painting, am I literally worse than Hitler?
• Pretty much just pronouncing "Caramel" however the person I'm talking to is pronouncing it.
• I won't say I necessarily want to be in a relationship, but I will say its been hard to load a dishwasher with no feedback, whatsoever.
• I'm Canadian so if I ever apologize to you, know that it was a reflex and not sincere.